never let go
by Isabella Welch
Summary: "Whatever colour she once has, faded away with her life. Whatever colour he once held, faded away with her." - alternate ending to 6x17.


_What you're made of,_

_It's what I'm made of too_

_- Sights, London Grammar_

* * *

******A/N: Okay I have not written in months to say so I apologize for the lack thereof quality, haha. Dedicated to Rachel (satan) with much love, always. xx **

He remembers clearly, the first time he met her. She had short hair, eyes that glinted with authority and he saw her heart - it was a heart scarred, a heart that has taken in tragedies and shut it in with thick, steel walls yet beneath that exterior, was a heart of gold, and extraordinary strength.

She was exquisitely attractive. And as he got to know her, truly know her past and the hell she has been through, he found himself drawn helplessly to her everything. He loves her with a ferocity so strong, it took him by whole, because somehow she was his missing puzzle piece. With her, things fall into place. He's a writer, everything has a story and theirs was a beautiful one waiting to unfold.

The pages ain't filled yet.

He remembers the first time when he was willing to sacrifice his life, to save hers. And he realizes, she's different. She's unlike any other women he has dated - none of them were her. It shocked him at first, to begin understanding the depths of his love for her, and with that came fear.

The fear that she doesn't feel the same way.

Her walls were strong. She conceals the hurt and pain she feels from the world and he could see it. It hurts him too. When she told him about her mother, that was when he feels a part of him latching on to her, it was only a few weeks but somewhere deep down, was a spark ignited.

He thanked god for that spark to blossom into a love that he never took for granted, a love that changed both of them, for the better.

God, the first time they made love, it was unlike anything he has ever experienced. He wants her, god he wants her. He breathes her in, for the first time. As her hands raked down his back, and as his tongue invaded hers with a passion that roared fiercely, he thought of all the years of unspoken love - and how it has brought them here. To this moment, to this point where the world was so messed up but yet they could seek solace and comfort in each other's arms.

_I just want you._

* * *

_Yes, I want you too. Only you._

* * *

_"I love you, bye."_

Goodbyes usually signifies an end to a relationship, but to him, that word had hope, to him - it meant that there's a chance of return. There's always a chance of return with a goodbye.

Until tomorrow. It was their thing, until tomorrow. There's always something to look forward to.

Their book ain't finished yet. Their story isn't supposed to end with a 'bye'. It was supposed to continue, when the leaves has turned to a bright orange and the sun has risen and they will hold each other's hands, whispering sweet nothings, looking at their children play. They were supposed to take each other's hand and say 'I do'. And they were supposed to dance again, he was supposed to bring her coffee everyday and kiss her senseless - for an eternity.

He imagined a future so bright even though deep down, he knew that she was a cop and being a cop meant facing the uncertainty of death. He tried not to think about that.

"She's gone, Castle."

Shock settles in. Then rage in the purest form, pumping through his veins as he lashed out, demanded to see her, to know if it's true.

Even as Ryan and Esposito held him back, he struggles.

She's not gone. She couldn't be. This thing they have, it's until tomorrow, it's for always.

She's not gone.

Has it been days or hours? He couldn't be sure. He's lost. He lost when his fiance, is laying on the cold table, his extraordinary, beautiful, remarkable fiance is lying there, her face and torso covered in extensive injuries, black and blue and red. Her lips were cracked, bleeding and in the middle of her forehead was a perfect bullet hole. Clean. Her eyes were closed, so peaceful - such a cruel lie...opposite of the hell she went through. Whatever colour she once has, faded away with her life.

Whatever colour he once held, faded away with her.

She was tortured. She was beaten, and Lanie told him that there was water in her lungs - she was waterboarded. Multiple times. And in that moment, his heart stopped - what was he doing, waiting around in the precinct when she was going through physical and emotional pain, alone.

She was alone. Confused and scared. And he didn't have her back, he wasn't there.

He wasn't _there._ In this instant, he wanted to die. And he lets out a deep wretched scream that spoke little of his pain and grief.

Was she crying? Was she thinking of him, to hold on?

* * *

He doesn't go to the funeral.

There was no need when she's already gone. Instead, he stays home, only to face the messy table with magazines on weddings and an unwashed coffee mug. Her coffee mug. Their coffee mug.

And it struck him.

They were getting married.

_Married._

Now that's taken away too.

There's no one left.

No one left but him.

* * *

Jim visits him the next day.

He wraps his arms around him, his face composed but his eyes revealing the agony of losing the only family he had left. The light of his life.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I couldn't -" his voice cracks, as tears clogged his throat.

"Did you love her? Richard. Did...you _love_ her?"

"Always."

"That's all I needed to know. And all you need to understand was that she loves you too. Love is always enough, son. She loves you, more than anything in this world. She died loving you. She loves you till the point she would sacrifice her life, to save yours. Stop saying sorry. Stop it. You did nothing wrong. Listen to me, you did nothing wrong. I know it hurts. But one day you'll remember her and it won't hurt. You'll be fine. It's a long road, son. She'd want you to be happy."

He broke down completely in her father's arms.

* * *

She left him a letter. She wrote it in the midst of all the danger she was in.

_"Babe it's your letter and I hope you never have to read this and I can tell you all of these things in person. But if something happens and I don't make it, I need you to know that our partnership, our relationship is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You're an amazing man and I love you with all my heart. Always."_

And he remembers why he fell in love with her in the first place. Her extraordinary strength. She wrote this, under pressure, under pain and agony of never seeing anyone she knew again, but still - she wrote this.

_I love you too._

_Always._


End file.
